Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Look What I Just Found!

I'm looking at you Prometheus!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

More Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek

Spock just favorably compared Picard to Kirk! Shit just got real...REAL AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek Star Trek

I'm sorry to let you guys know a whole three hours in but THERE IS A STAR TREK TNG MARATHON TODAY ON BBC AMERICA! Guys, right now it's a Spock episode. IT IS MOTHERFUCKING SPOCK MOTHERFUCKERS! Even Spock would deem my joy totally logical.

'Merica, FUCK YEAH! (Yes I know it's on BBC, but it's BBC 'MERICA, fuck yeah).

Monday, July 2, 2012

This Post Is Kinda About Prometheus, But You Should Read It Anyway

I haven't seen Prometheus but I feel like I have based on all the bitching online and a live text session with my brother as he watched an online bootleg of it. And, whatever, it sounds like a shitty movie and Ridley Scott clearly has Lucas Complex, which makes me sad, but what really irks me is the people online who use the following argument as to why everyone should just shut up about how the science in the movie is not so much science as huge, glaring plot holes:

"It's called science FICTION. DUH!"

Firstly, this is dumb because it has the easiest counter-argument of all arguments ever (including internet arguments so...woah):

"It's called SCIENCE fiction. Dicknuts."

And I guess that brings me to my whole point. There seems to be a percentage of people that think that since something is made up it should have no rules at all. Any one can like or hate any shitty thing they want, I don't care, but when you start spouting that science fiction doesn't need to have any science in it or that you hate the Harry Potter movies because magic shouldn't have rules what you are really saying is that you can't express your appreciation or dissatisfaction for a piece of art like an adult and that things would be different in your movie/book/porn if you weren't too lazy and untalented to make it.

If you have a fantasy story where magic is just "everyone can do whatever they want with no effort" there really isn't any conflict and that is just boring. Science fiction without the science stretches the audience's suspension of disbelief too far and when you have completely unlikable or inconsistent characters (like in Prometheus), the audience either doesn't care or is angry at the time they are wasting.

Here's an example of the result of the "it's fiction and fiction can be whatever and everyone should suspend all disbelief forever" argument:

"Tim robbed a bank in Wyoming. The cops were chasing him so he ran south to Canada where he hid in the arctic wasteland of the Grand Canyon. He was eventually caught and sent to Canadian jail where they make you play hockey and apologize all day."

THAT is fiction without any research or basis in reality at all. Sure, it's awesome because I wrote it, but if you want something to be more than just silly or ridiculous or funny and actually draw suspense, character empathy, and any shred of believability, you need to actually do some fucking research and not just pull shit out of your butt and use it to fill plot holes. A lack of boundaries and consistent rules within the fictional universe throws the viewer out of that fictional universe. It becomes unrelatable because people are used to a world with rules like physics and the certainty that everyone is an asshole. Even if your fictional universe is that no one is an asshole, you can't then be like "except that guy...for some reason...probably because the story needs conflict." The whole story telling experience revolves around the audience feeling like part of the story, which can't happen if they're too busy thinking "Wait, why would an educated scientist take off their helmet on their first trip to an alien planet?" My brother says the CDC should use that part of Prometheus in their video "How to contaminate everything."

To sum up, internal consistency, conflict, and boundaries are why Harry Potter made like a quadbatrillion dollars and has eleventy billion fans while not even your mom will read your series about the boy who can do anything ever in a world where no one is mean and everything always works perfectly and everyone has unicorns that you don't have to feed and that poop rainbows. Also I'm super pissed there were no aliens in the Alien prequel. Facehuggers = wins; black goo and bad science = super shame spiral with regret punch combo. FINISH HIM!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Wednesday Fun-time Commercial Bonanza

The commercial I'm gonna talk about today is just...guys it's just weird. It's the Tostitos commercial with the anthropomorphic bag of chips that is telling the tale of why he changed his shape to scoops. Already that's kinda weird. He's a bag of chips, not a chip. It's like asking someone why they changed the shape of their spleen while the asker is eating the askee's spleen. I admit, I have a problem with most animated, anthropomorphic products. It just doesn't make sense, does the cheese want me to eat a hunk of himself? Or his family? Maybe it's a tactic in anthropomorphic food warfare to get people to eat their enemies. Maybe Twinkie the Kid is manipulating the human race into devouring those that would oppose his mighty and glorious rein as the one, true, and divinely chosen snack cake monarch!

The Tostitos bag though, he goes above and beyond the standard level of weird. He's a little too enthusiastic to get dipped throughout the whole commercial, but nothing exceptionally unnerving. Until the very end, when this happens:

Bag says something about how his (spleen's) new shape makes him able to handle any dip.

Random party goer: "Even this big ol' dickp?"

Tostitos bag: "BRING IT! BRING IT!"

And then the bag vibrates in excitement while his mouth hangs open and his eyes are wide and staring far off, like an expression of pure pleasure.

Which leads me to the question: did I just see a bag of corn chips come. this porn? Can they show this on television? Did I accidentally turn on a very specific fetish skinimaxesque channel? Am I actually looking at the internet and got confused?

It's weird and gross and uncomfortable, kinda like losing your virginity. So I guess Tostitos just popped our collective snack-food-sex cherries. Well, MOST of us (I'm looking at you, guy who has way too many Chester Cheeta stuffed animals, you sick fuck).

P.S. I have a very good bestie level friend that works for Frito-Lay and so while this commercial is awkward and inappropriate, I encourage each and every one of you to continue to enjoy their fine products. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to enjoy this delicious bag of Cheddar Cheese Sun Chips while I contemplate the sexual politics of intra-snack food copulation and whether the dip is the "top" because it goes on the chip.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


So I was going through the archives of this and the mirror zlog at and I realized that there were posts on here that weren't there and, unfortunately, vice versa. So here's a post that I originally posted on January 31, 2009 (have I really had this zlog this long? And I only have 2 followers? Probably time to quit) but for some reason didn't make it over here. Or maybe I deleted it. Considering what crap is on here, I doubt I ever deleted anything:

When I’m not off fighting crime or fucking your girlfriend, I work as an Editor for a company that writes business documents for business owners that are too illiterate to write them themselves. Through the course of this employment I’ve seen many affronts to the English language. Wanton and reckless apostrophes, the capitalization of EVERY FREAKING NOUN (because that makes your product seem more important), and, of course, spelling so bad I have to assume the word is in another language or the writer has had a stroke or some other cerebral incident. The most irksome thing I encounter, and encounter on the veritable daily, is complete and abject condescension when the writer clearly has no idea what they are talking about, or isn’t talking about anything at all. Which brings me to the subject of today’s post: Business Buzz Words (see, doesn't it seem more important in caps?).

Business Buzz Words are those words used in the course of business that don’t really mean anything. Sort of like “extreme.” That’s a marketing buzz word. It’s just filler. Extreme soda/tobacco/Bible (these actually exist)/vacation/mattress is just a normal soda/tobacco/Bible/vacation/mattress painted neon green.

Business Buzz Words are the same thing only in a more businessey, money-grubbing context. They are the words you see in ads starring Sam Waterston or spewing out of the mouth of some ivy-league douchebag on an economic themed news show who offers nothing more to the world than hepatitis and a remarkable capacity for snorting blow. So today I’m going to demystify any mystification that may remain on these common and thoroughly odious words.

Let the buzz begin:


What it’s supposed to mean: Works together; forms a perfect union; magic.

What it really means: Magic; works well with others. “The baking soda, q-tips, and saltines create a synergy that make the unicorn possible.” Yup. When it means anything at all, it usually means magic, i.e. "we have no idea how these things work together or what they’ll do, but we hope you believe whatever it is it’s super cool.” When used in the context of different companies or divisions, it just means can work in a group...sort of. For example: “Our various divisions create a synergy that gets you the best project on time; every time” means “We generally get through the day with a minimum amount of passive aggressive inter-office memos and juvenile grudge holding, which enables us to bring you the same product you can get any where else but in 6 weeks* as opposed to the 2 weeks we’ll quote you, which is better than the 8 weeks our competitors will take.” The adverb of “synergy” is “synergistically.” Every time I read "synergistically" my brain clenches and a piece of my soul dies, so I’d rather not discuss it at length. Suffice it to say, “synergy” means nothing more than, “I’m an idiot, don’t ask me how my product works or how my business functions,” and has nothing to do with Jem's computerized master. These people are trying to ruin Jem, and so I must ruin them.

*Results not typical, average time frame not less than 12 weeks.


What it’s supposed to mean: An informed treatise. Poignant words that capture precisely how hip, fresh, altruistic, etc. this company or product is.

What it really means: Page filler; some bullshit to bog investors down in so they don’t actually read the whole document or get so bored and distracted they don’t realize we either have nothing, what we do have has been done better, or we don’t actually know what we have or what we’re doing. This is a word for words that say nothing. How existential.


What it’s supposed to mean: New; unique; never been done before.

What it really means: Don’t look too thoroughly into our patent.


What it’s supposed to mean: Taken the old paradigm and improved upon it to the point were no one can compete.

What it really means: Took the old product/service/technology and stuck our label on it.


What it’s supposed to mean: Products, services, or atmosphere for the most refined tastes and discriminating palate.

What it really means: Strip club.


What it’s supposed to mean: Better than all others.

What it really means: Nothing. No really, this is just an adjective writers and editors in the business world throw in when the sentence needs another beat. Which isn’t so bad considering most of the words in business writing mean nothing, but this one irks my terkler in particular because usage has made it meaningless. Traditionally, “superior” meant that –noun- was better than –other nouns-. Now it just means “good.” When some one says “we have a superior atmosphere.” Superior to what? Most examples the “to our competitors” is implied, but sometimes it’s literally just “We are superior.” To what? Competitors? Other people? God? It’s a superfluous and unnecessary bastardization of a word that is still very necessary and useful. You don’t eat a sammich and say “This sammich is superior.” You DO say “This sammich is superior to anything found on the west coast.” GAH! Ok, I need to stop talking about this.

And there you have it. Toastygod’s proprietary verbiage on the synergies of the modern business lexicon in a classy and superior format for VIPs.

Suck it bitches.

Fuuuuck...I Need A Cheeseburger

Why isn't there a cheeseburger conveyor belt and ice tea well in my kitchen? Well, it's obviously because THIS IS THE WORST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS! A-duh.