Friday, July 15, 2011

Why do you hate everyone downwind of your head?

A few months back, I was taking a cab home after hanging out in houses of ill-repute with some friends. The driver was very nice but he had those things in his ears…what do you call them?...oh right, HUGE GAPING HOLES! Like so big I could fit both fists through one. When I got out of the cab, I tipped very well and SOMEHOW resisted the urge to say,

“Use this to buy staples and fix your unfortunate ear flap situation.”

I don’t know what this practice is actually called, but I’ve always called it “absolutely disgusting beyond all measure.” And a little while later I was proven EVEN MORE right (I know, I didn’t think it was possible either). One of my roommates is obsessed with only the worst reality TV has to offer. Like not the stuff on actual networks, the stuff on TruTV (“it’s not reality, it’s actuality” and actuality is another word for totes fake). So, we were watching World’s Strictest Parents on CMT (Country Music Television for those of you who are woefully uninformed on where to find the best reality TV), which, guys, if you haven’t seen it is…well…it’s pretty ok. Bordering on good in a trainwrecky sort of way. It’s a show where wayward teens (read: spoiled brats) are forced to live with another family that has strict parents (read: parents that actually make their kids do things like chores and shit). It doesn’t have the dramz that other, larger budget shows (Operation Repo) have, but if you hate kids as much as I do, it is intensely satisfying to watch the entitled worlds of these little jerkwads fall apart around them as they realize that FOR SOME REASON not everyone thinks they are a precious little snowflake who deserve to just be handed money for nipple piercings and cigarettes.

So we’re watching this show and one of the “misunderstood youths” has those big holes of bad decision making in both ears. The parents are making him and the other girl that’s there work at this rec center they own for a charity event that night (because they are clearly the devil and if poor kids need money for piercings why don’t they just get rich parents? DUH! It’s not that hard! This kid managed and he literally has several gaping head wounds. GAWD, poor people are so whiney). The parents tell them both they need to take out all of their visible piercings to work with the public, because their business has an image to uphold (the image of being totally old and lame, amiright?). The boy takes out his huge loopidy-doos (totally technical term) and the mom walks by to get something out of the sink AND ALMOST PASSES OUT! No shit, her eyes roll to the back of her head and her body starts swaying like she’s about to fall over. The dad catches her and asks what’s wrong,

“There was this smell. It was really over powering. I think a raccoon must have died in the pipes and the smell is coming up from the drain.”

Dad goes over to the sink,

“I don’t smell anything.”
“I didn’t make it up.”
“I’m not saying you did, but it’s not coming from the sink.”
“Maybe under the house?”
“*SIGH* I’ll get a flash light.”

And then the boy chimes in,

“Uh, guys. It’s not a dead raccoon, it’s my ears.”

To which the parents respond,

The kid explains,

“No really, when you pierce and stretch your skin like this, it smells for some reason.”

So the dad goes over and takes a whiff, howls, and says,

“That’s the smell of death. Your ears are literally rotting on your head.”
“Did you know that would happen when you got them done?”
“Then why…you know what? Never mind, just put the plugs back in and let’s go.”

After watching this I HAD to call my sister because she has these stupid things in her ears too. Granted, hers aren’t huge, but they are still fucking idiotic. So I call,

“Hey Toasted Mini-Wheats, it’s Toasty…so how are thingsssss?”
“Gooood. But for some reason I have the feeling you are about to mock me and you are just stalling to make the sweet taste of my shame linger on your lips for as long as possible.”
“You know me so well.”
“Well we are cut of the same cloth.”
“When did you move you 1862?”
“Shut up and get to why you called.”
“So you know those stupid stretcher things you have in your ears that tell the world your brother and I failed as parents and that you clearly hate us for failing so miserably in your upbringing?”
“Did you know the skin around them is dead and if you take out the plugs they smell like rotting flesh?”
“Wait what?”
“Yeah, if I take my plugs out they smell really gnarly.”
“Ok now we’re up to 1982 in our lingo but back to the issue at hand, did you know when you made this obviously terrible life decision that they would make your head smell like a corpse?”
“Yeah, a couple of my friends already had them and I had smelled them.”
“…ok maybe I’m missing something. I try very hard, on a daily basis, to do everything in my power to not smell like death.”
“Think about it this way: it could be used to repel boys.”
“Unless they also have plugs.”
“So you’ve made it so only stinky douchebags will be attracted to you.”
“Apparently, though I am uncommonly pretty so I bet I’ll still attract normal douchebags too.”
“I hate you so gawddamn much.”
“This kinda backfired on you didn’t it?”
“I can’t hear you over my mind screaming and the waterfall of whiskey falling into this glass.”
“I win this round.”