It's Saturday afternoon and that can mean only one thing: Time to tune into the CW to see what classic cinematic gem the little-network-that-could managed to buy the rights to.
This week is the ol' chestnut classic "Bee Season" starring the man, the myth, the person hamsters use to scare bad children: Richard Gere.
3:00
This movie is clearly from the 90s (I'm not even going to check I'm so sure) and everything is supposed to be super meaningful but nothing makes any sense and there is no plot.
No plot.
No plot.
There's a mom, a Richard Gere dad, a son, and a daughter that wins spelling bees.
3:20
Ok, so everyone in this family "has a secret." I thought the son was gonna be gay but turns out he's secretly Hindu. Who the hell is secretly Hindu? Get a real fucking secret dumbass. He even made up a phoney "permission slip" so he could trick his parents into thinking he's going on a camping trip with some school club but really he was hanging out at some Hindu rec center and like dancing and shit. I have no idea. How is this a real secret? I mean, teenagers don't tell their parents anything, but joining a religion with the fourth most adherents in the world is not rebellion. Unless conforming is the new rebellion?
3:31
There were two back-to-back commercials for baptist churches. Gotta step up the marketing this time of year? Do they compete against each other? Oh, I guess I should mention I'm visiting my family in the South. It probably makes more sense now.
3:33
I guess the wife's crazy? Is her secret that she's crazy? This is...and she steals? She steals things like broken glass? Richard is now crying in the back of a taxi. At least he decided not to drive to his breakdown. Safety first!
SideBar
So everyone is acting like Richard Gere is like this terrible husband and father, but he's the only one who isn't lying and seems to care about anyone at all. He keeps talking to them and asking questions, and they lie and then say "You never talk, we need to communicaaaaaate."
This.Makes.No.Sense.
Does Richard Gere have a job? He's just running around dealing with everyone else's problems.
3:37
Ok, now the wife is in the hospital for stealing things (in a meaningful way) and walking aimlessly and generally avoiding her family. Now she's saying she doesn't want to come home and is yelling at Richard. So it's his fault she hates her family?
3:38
Richard is pulling the son out of the Hindu rec center and they're yelling at each other and the son is all "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME! MOM IS CRAZY BECAUSE YOU CONTROL USSSSSSSSSSSS!"
Now the daughter is praying. Or something.
3:42
Richard is hugging his daughter and telling her she was great in her spelling bee and none of the wackadoodle stuff going on is her fault. Cut to: the son telling the daughter Richard is just using her like he "USED US ALLLLLLLLL!"
What a bunch of fucking ingrates.
3:44
The daughter found something Richard was writing? Or reading? Anyway, now she's repeating "light" over and over again and there's some stuff about God and now it appears she has taken some acid.
And now she's having a seizure.
I'm not making any of this up. Clearly, this is why I'm not a big time hollywood writer, I can't think up things like meaningful seizures after a movie about driving around for 45 minutes.
3:49
Establishing shot: They are in Washington, D.C. Oh right, she's in the national spelling bee. I remember now, this is the only thing close to a plot point I've seen so far.
3:50
I need a drink.
3:51
UGHHHH! They are doing that played out movie trope where the character splashes water on their face and looks in the mirror. It's the daughter, if that matters. Then she whispers to herself "We can fix what has been broken." By that does she mean whatever went wrong with my day that I'm watching this?
3:52
The mom is watching the daughter on TV with a look like "I'm so proud even though I've had nothing to do with her success, in fact, she only succeeds despite my hostility and neglect." Because she's a terrible mother. Not sure I was being clear there.
Ugh, she is such a smug bitch. She is watching this on TV because she ran away from her family and refuses to come back, but yeah, your family is aces all thanks to you motherly devotion.
3:55
The daughter lost on purpose. Because it's meaningful. Now Richard is crying. Now he is hugging his son. I guess all they needed was for an 8 year old to lose a spelling bee to learn the true meaning of family?
OMG! The mom is smiling and crying and just told someone "She's my daughter." Like she's all proud and shit. Fuck you lady fictional character. Just fuck you. Almost anyone can spit out a kid. You can't just give birth, completely ignore your whole family, run away, and then go "didn't I do such a great job. I'm #1 mom, I've got the mug to prove it."
3:59
Credits. Salvation.
I'll give that movie one thing: For a movie with no plot, or coherent character motivation, or real conflict, it sure did make me feel angry. I wound up hating almost all of the characters, except Richard who I just felt really sorry for. So I guess since it made me feel any emotion at all (including deep regret that this is what my life has come to) it's art? Ok, sure.
In Conclusion
I have no idea if any of this was funny, but it sure was an adventure. An adventure we shared together. Like Richard Gere, I don't do this for your praise or appreciation, I do this for...some reason. Umm, a reason you are just not intellectual enough to understand. When you learn how to truly appreciate art and the vulnerability of man, you come back. This will all make sense. We can all hug and convert to religions that would piss our parents off. Because that is what grown ups do.
