Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Wednesday Breaktime of Love

So I've been wanting to start a weekly Wednesday feature where I talk about commercials that deserve to be singled out for one reason or another. But I didn't know what to call it...and I still don't. I was thinking like "Commercial Break Wednesdays" but I'm pretty sure these things have to be alliterative or you fail out of the internets. "Weekly Wednesday Marketing Bonanza"?

Ok, I'll work on the name but I'm going to start the feature anyway.

I'm actually going to start on a positive note (QUELLE SUPRISE!) by saying that M&Ms has the best commercials on television right now. Every time I see that little red guy shake his naked buttski to "I'm sexy and I know it," I gets me a case of the giggles. No doubt.

Now onto a commercial that is less giggle worthy and more instructional. This commercial teaches the very important lesson of identifying red flags and when to get a restraining order.

My first experience seeing this commercial went thusly:

The interior is a coffee shop and there's an 800 number/website at the bottom of the screen. A woman walks up to the counter and the barista is just too hip for words. Huge Buddy Holly glasses with no lenses and hair plastered into some sort of pompadour disaster level hip. So the woman says,

"I'll have -"

And mister no-lenses INTERRUPTS HER to say, "A soy mochalottaPBRcachino." (I don't speak hipster but I assume this is close enough). While he says this, he's giving this look that is not so much "shy, goo-goo, gee you're pretty" eyes so much as "I love you and how your skin would look on me" eyes.

At this point I no shit thought that there would be a record scratch and a narrator would say, "Are you too cool to be non-threatening? Need help getting your hipster penis wet? Call LiveLinks or go to or or..." you get the picture. I assumed this so hard my brain actually showed that scenario to my eyes for several seconds before it was snapped back in a weird psychedelic mind blip where my brain gave a 404 error and we had to reboot and try to process this new, incomprehensible reality.

The commercial actually goes on to have the girl say:

"Yeah how did you-" interrupted

"That's what you got last time."

"And you-" interrupted AGAIN! Bitches love being interrupted

"Remembered, yeah."

And then the woman walks out with a look that I interpreted as "I need to find a new coffee house cause CREEEEPYYYY, thankfully there's another StarBucks across the street." BUT NO! The narrator chimes in to say "Women love when you pay attention" so apparently that look was "My panties just dropped SO HARD THEY ARE IN CHINA NOW!" And then they shill for their dating website or whatever the hell it is they're selling.

All I could think is that if this freaktastic interaction, which I'm pretty sure meets the legal requirements of menacing with intent to totally creep the fuck out, is the meaning of love that this company will teach you, they got into the wrong business. Unless serial killer matchmaking is a large, untapped market that watches a lot of daytime TNT programming. In which case I guess I'M the idiot. But they're still sketch as hell.

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