Saturday, March 21, 2009

Great Moments in Toastiness.

As an overlord that appreciates all things toasty, it is only fitting that I commend and bring attention to the great advances in forsaking the frigid. The latest advance, which has done the most to banish the sinful sinful cold since the invention of feety pajamas, is the one, the only, the incomparable Snuggie.

These things live up to their name. Wearing one is snuggelicious. You may be thinking, "Pfft! Tthhhhp! It's just a backwards robe." Well first of all, shut the hell up. And second of all, you're kind of right. It is like a robe you wear backwards, but so much more. By more I, of course, mean MORE FUCKING FLEECE. The Snuggie is made entirely out of fleece, one of the sacred clothes, and for that alone deserves distinction. Here is how I imagine a typical brainstorming session in Snuggie headquarters going:

Guy in Suit 1: Ok, we've decided to use fleece and we have this proto-type. But it's just a blanket.

Guy in Suit 2: What if we add sleeves?
1: You sick mad fool! Then the arms will get cold!


2: No no, we'll make them long sleeves! Longer than any human arm has ever been! That way the warmth will be trapped in the folds of unending fleece.

1: I like it! Also, don't make a big thing about the slap, I've got warrants.

A few days later, another prototype:

1: It's better, but why not just buy a robe and wear it backwards.

2: Hmmmmm. No belt?

1: I hate you. With a burning hot intensity that will live on far after we are all gone.

2: Ok ok ok, what if we add...more fleece! To the back so you can wrap it around several full grown hamunculi.

1: YES! But I just feel like it's not warm enough yet. I mean, is it as hot as the surface of satelites as they enter Earth's atmosphere? I think not!

2: Hmmmm. HHHHMMmmmmm. What about...? Hmmmmm.

1: I am breathless with anticipation

2: I've got it!"

1: Yes?

2: MORE FLEECE! Why stop cutting at 3 yards. Just keep going. The more fleece the more warmth!

1: Brilliant! Let's go get wasted!

2: Way ahead of you!

And so the Snuggie was born (Guy #2 is way smarter because second player is always the best, Luigi for life). The best inventions are created on alcohol and blow and sold on 30 second infomercials. Don't believe me? I've got two and a half words for you: Bake N'Fill. Nuff said.

I encourage each and every one of you to go out right now and buy a Snuggie assortment, certianly one is not enough. I need one for every room in the house, including bathrooms. I also have my work Snuggie, home Snuggie, and party Snuggie (party Snuggie complete with unidentifiable stains). Before you ask, yes OF COURSE the Snuggie is proper business attire. Wear one to your next job interview, I'll put money down they make you CEO of the company! You'll walk in and they'll be all, "Well that's an employee that will never die of exposure. Comfort, convenience, and style. These are all things this company could use more of! Be my boss! Here's a sack full of money!" There is also nothing sexier that someone in a Snuggie. Trust me on this one.

As the commercial says, "You can get up and walk around, you can wear them any where! I <3 Meth!"

Oh I will wear them, Mr. Announcer Guy, I will. The waves and waves of fabric also make twinkie storage and concealment MUCH easier. The Snuggie makes warmth and snacking easy everywhere. Give those guys a Nobel freaking Prize. They've done more for this world than Al Gore and Sting combined. Hell, Al Gore wants to make the planet colder. You know what? Fuck Al Gore! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some smiting to do.

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