So to have a blog you have to have a certain amount of posts dedicated to the show Lost. Or the blog police come and beat your dog then throw you in a dungeon where you wear an iron mask and have only the moonlight and your desperation for sustenance. I've had my lawyers on it for weeks, but apparently the same rule applies to zlogs. Someone will pay dearly for this.
But until then, I guess I'll write about Lost, or as I have re-named it "Meaningful Glances." This is a much more pertinent name in that approximately 95% of all communication from character to character, character to audience, and character to random shrubbery is through nothing more than meaningful glances. Hear a weird noise? Meaningful glance. See a weird statute? Meaningful glance. Have your heart eaten by a random polar bear? Round of meaningful glances by everyone on the island. I expect that if something truly huge happened (like, I don't know, any plot point gets explained at all) the meaningful glance would be so epic, that it would extend into several generations to come. Every child born of a Lost character would emerge from the womb with a meaningful glance on its face. It would be met by the meaningful glances of its parents and would in turn welcome its children into the world with a meaningful glance, and so on, in perpetuity.
The use of the meaningful glance (perfected by so many a daytime soap) becomes clear when considering the fact that the entirety of Lost dialogue consists of random phrases said (often shouted) emphatically. When you're working with, "You can do it! I believe in you!" as the most profound statement in an episode or the riveting exchange of:
"You got my back?"
"I got your back. You got my back?"
"I got your back."
"Who got back?"
"Baby got back."
A glance may need to fill in the blanks.
And I know that the show is supposed to be full of "mystery" and "intrigue," but the biggest mystery to me is why these people just blindly follow whatever some douchebag tells them.
"Go back to the desolate island you finally escaped from." "Hmmm, I always wanted to die of diphtheria."
"You're special." "That's what my mom always said."
"Don't worry about that whole death thing, just shoot yourself in the damn head." *bang*
Seriously I wish I could find a group of people this gullible. And before someone argues, "But they've been right every time" let me just clear something up. You're an idiot. In what possible way has this all worked out for them? A prominent doctor became a drug addict, a whiney cunt is raising someone else's baby, and everyone else is either dead, dying, wanted by the cops, or just sort of mysteriously disappeared. Yeah every thing's great on magical, fuck-me-in-the-ass-til-it-bleeds-and-i'll-ask-for-more-because-i'm-an-idiot island. I'm just going to tell people to do random, arbitrary shit until I find a group of people that make me their sovereign. "Buy a bucket of salamanders." "Don't use your left foot today." "Slam your head into that wall." Apparently there are people that will do this shit unquestioningly, and they are trapped on a time skipping island. I'm not really sure if that's a good or bad thing.
There are also TOO MANY FUCKING CHARACTERS! I renamed them all (with better and much more badass names) in an attempt to keep them straight and make them suck less. An exhaustive list would take up the entire bandwidth of the internet so I'll just list a few in this post (more later, if you're good):
Jack: Party of Five
Kate: Degrassi (because she always looks like she's about to cry. Seriously, if Sawyer leaves
Juliette for her I swear I will punch the entire writing team in their obviously flaccid penises).
Hurley: Becker. Yes he was on that show. Yes he was. Look it up. Pwned.
Locke (and how completely not subtle is that name. It's a philosopher too, we get it. LAME.): Survivorman (there is no greater honor. Shit, why am I now writing a post on Survivorman right now? Stay tuned).
Walt: Little Oz.
Boone: Jordan Catalano
Ok, that's more than enough for now. You get the point.
I have to say though, for my money, if I was stuck on that island I would totally be sleeping in Becker's (Hurley for those of you that are stupid) tent. He would keep me warm, he's got tons of money for booze and hookers when we get off the island and are inevitable best friends, he looks like a proficient cuddler, and he would make for an excellent shield in case of zombie apocalypse. Because zombies make every thing cooler.