Saturday, March 21, 2009

Toasty FAQ.

Since I'm new around here, I thought I would start things out with a little FAQ of toastiness. So let's get going with the frequently, never-once-asked questions:

Q: What is a toastygod? Should I be offended? Is reading this zlog some kind of blasphemy?

A: Heresy at best I swear. No no, I kid. I am the Toastygod because I am dedicated to vanquishing all things cold and frigid, wherever they may exist. I enjoy worship as much as the next anonymous compilation of pixelated text, but my calves are not golden. For the monotheists out there, the "g" is lower case, so it's all good. For the polytheists in the crowd, if there are so many deities anyway, why couldn't one be in charge of warmth and why do you assume only mortals have a need to rant on the internet? (Wait, who's asking the questions here?) Also, it's all one word, which denotes a proper noun as opposed to a description. It's a name, not a job title. If you still have some sort of issue: get over yourself.

Q: What is all this ruination I've been hearing about?

A: Ruination will come about in many forms over the course of this zlog. I will either ruin your shit with how right I am or how wrong you are; with the unveiling of great majesties of the awesome or the exposing of the cruel truths of the lame. All-in-all I will break you down and make you better for it. You're welcome.

Q: Do you have a theme; a gimmick; a niche; a raison d'etre; a core from which all else is built?

A: I don't do gimmicks. Impressive list of synonyms though. There will be a loose and completely irrelevant scale of awesome to lame that pops up with no recognizable consistency, but that's about it.

Q: Is this scale empirically verifiable?

A: No. It is based solely on my unfettered whims. My judgment is harsh and final.

Q: Do my comments matter?

A: You don't matter.

Q: Is this zlog appropriate for children?

A: Not in the slightest. Mentally stunted adults who want someone to "Please think of the children" shouldn't read this either. You are not welcome here. Prepare to be ruined.

Q: What the hell is a zlog?

A: Don't ask.

Q: Do you think you're better than me?

A: Yes and so do you.

Q: How often will you post?

A: I will not insult us both with forced posts, however I will post whenever I come across something ironic or funny or I must type to keep the rage stroke at bay. My doctor says the daily rage strokes are really having a negative impact on my health. So potentially daily, though I seriously doubt it. I'm thinking weekly. Unless I have shit going on. Or I have the opportunity to nap. I <3 naps.

Q: What do you have to offer?

A: General badassery and a total lack of lame.

Q: What is the nature of our relationship?

A: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Q: In the event of zombie apocalypse, are you prepared?

A: The end is nigh and I've got an itchy boom stick.

Q: Was that some sort of pop culture reference I don't get?

A: If you have to ask then yes...and it was more than one. Most of the words on this zlog will be stolen directly from television, horror movies, and animations most people haven't seen. It's not plagiarism, it's an honor. I honor you with my blatant thieving.

Q: What kind of fool do you take me for?

A: A pretty one. No one is as smart and good looking and sexually virulent as my readers. *pet*

Q: Finally, why a zlog, and why now?

A: I was always a zlogger, I just never had a zlog.

Welcome to the kingdom of Toasty! You have entered the zlog, are you brave enough to stay? We'd love to have you over anytime. Come back real soon, ya hear!

...did I mention how pretty you are? Yes? Good. Because you are. And funny. And interesting. And smart. It's no wonder you are completely irresistible to the gender or genders you prefer. Wanna be my new bff? No pressure.

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